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Do You Unkowingly Discourage Your Teens From Talking To You-Lets Have Some Reality Check !!!!!

Does talking to your teens seem to be an uphill battle?
Do they just give you one word answer and talk and text to their friends for the rest of the time?
Do you crave for effective communication with your teens?
Ever wondered what you might do to talk like friends with them? :- Tanya has turned 15 few months back and she is vibrant towards life with less interest in academics. Back from school she grabs a water bottle from refrigerator, and she is asked by her Mom – “How was your day?” Tanya says – “fine” and quickly retires to her bedroom. Clearly she doesn’t want to talk much is what we all will think. However, Tanya goes to her bedroom and talks to her friends and here starts the whirlpool of communication. She texts, calls, video calls, does social media keeping herself busy interacting with her friends for the rest of the evening.
Why would Tanya not do even 10 % of talk that she does with her friends?
Ever thought if you as a Parents had made so critical communication Mistakes earlier?
We all want to encourage our teens to talk to us but do we really know how can we do that?
Mentioned mistakes in communication with your teens?
➜ Do you Trivialize the situation?
➜ Do you Talk favour of your Teen’s opponent
➜ Do you revert with Sarcasm?
➜ How good you are at acknowledging Your Teen’s Feelings?
➜ Is the conversation “All about you”?
➜ Do you pass a Judgement without visible support?
➜ Do you keep your Reactions in check?
➜ Is the Problem solving done without making kids dependent?
➜ Do you play The Game of Blame?
➜ Do you show Lack of support and faith in your teen’s big Ideas
Do you Trivialize the situation? :- Whether it’s a bad hair day, a stupid cancelled date, a conflict with friends, a grade down at school, gaining a little weight, etc can seem like an emergency to teens. Now for Parents all this things is trivial as they might be dealing with bigger issues. No matter what, Parents should avoid disregard. They should refrain from saying things like “Get over it” or It’s not the end of the world or “It’s not a big deal, “Are you mad to think about such things”. If you do, it will be perceived as you do not understand their problems and thus leads to discouraging communication.
.Do you Talk favour of your Teen’s opponent :- Teens might get upset on things they shouldn’t be. However, in such situations, most Parents make the mistake of justifying the situation which is actually bothering teens. Tanya is upset as her teacher insulted in front of her classmates. She does talk to her Mom when she is home. On the contrary, Mom cannot help to justify teacher’s actions and she says – Your teacher might have to do that in order to get your attention and control the class” Worst mistake made by her Mom. This will alienate Tanya and frustrate her ever more. She just needed some empathetic listening and now she has decided to not express her feelings.
When your teen tells you she’s upset about someone else’s behaviour, avoid jumping into to justify or explain the other person’s behaviour. If you do, you’ll likely alienate your teen even more. For example, saying something like, “Well your teacher probably has to raise her voice to get you to listen,” will frustrate your teen even further. Instead of supporting your teen’s arch enemy, simply listen to her as she expresses her feelings.
Do you revert with Sarcasm? :- Sarcasm is anger’s little sister. All relationships has a place for humor and healthy teasing; however, sarcasm can be hurtful. Most parents try to convey what they want in the form of sarcasm and indirect criticism at times. Relationship with your teens will be strained if you use sarcasm even if you are trying to be funny.
How good you are at acknowledging Your Teen’s Feelings? :- Drama is at the core of teenager’s life; however, their emotional responses do not make much sense to adults. They despise dialogues like “You shouldn’t get so upset,” or “It doesn’t make sense to get this angry over something so small”. Even if you do not understand your teen’s emotions, acknowledging it correctly is very important.
Is the conversation “All about you”? :- Parents tend to lecture their kids giving examples with the comparisons of their lives with their teens. It turns the discussion to a negative and bring a sense of resistance in the teenager’s mind. They feel “ what’s their fault” or “this is not your time anymore”. Moreover, they are discouraged to share because they think your wavelength do not match with theirs.
Do you pass a Judgement without visible support? :- Most of the time, Parents just listen to one side of the story. It doesn’t take them much time to express disapproval and that leads to isolating their teens. Before parents share their opinion, enough focus should be given to the teen’s side of the story. Also, conversation should not include the statements like “you should have done this” “why can’t you just go and talk to them”. Rather, conversation can be very positive by Parents like “I feel if you do this, it will help you a lot or It feels if you go and talk to them, I am sure, it will be sorted for you.
Do you keep your Reactions in check? :- With all glory, excitement and drama, Teenage is also an age of attention seeking. Something’s are done only for the shock value. They may show up with weird tattoos or purple hair or horrifying stories. Instead, respond in a calm manner. Showing shock and horror will only encourage your teen’s attention-seeking behaviour to continue.
Is the Problem solving done without making kids dependent? :- It’s difficult for Parents to see their children suffer. However, solving the teenager’s problem without them asking for your help, they won’t learn to solve their own problems. The best way is to let them share, express and vent their emotions. And if they still need your help, show them you are always there. It is advisable to work on problem solving as a team.
Do you play The Game of Blame? :- Pointing out the fault in the conversation will simply add fuel to the fire. Parents want their children to take the responsibility of their behaviour. However, if they will blame, then the conversation will be cut short and teens will never admit their faults. Avoid saying things like, “You are responsible for whatever happened” “That wouldn’t have happened if you were polite enough or sincere enough”.
Instead, positive probing can be done to promote further discussion such as, “If you could get one more opportunity to do it over again, would you like doing it differently?” Your conversation should help them accept their responsibility.
Do you show Lack of support and faith in your teen’s big Ideas :- Teens tend to have certain ideas that will clash with reality. Avoiding to encourage your teens to live in the Fantasy world is must; and at the same time one should show support and appreciation for new ideas.
For example, if your child says, “I want to be a great movie star once I’m older,” don’t say, “You’d better be best at everything if you think you want to do that someday.” Instead, show curiosity and ask questions such as, “How do you think you will do that? Or show support by saying, “Wow that would be make you very famous one day” To promote positive conversation to continue, parents should react in supportive manner.
Do you pass a Judgement without visible support? :- Most of the time, Parents just listen to one side of the story. It doesn’t take them much time to express disapproval and that leads to isolating their teens. Before parents share their opinion, enough focus should be given to the teen’s side of the story. Also, conversation should not include the statements like “you should have done this” “why can’t you just go and talk to them”. Rather, conversation can be very positive by Parents like “I feel if you do this, it will help you a lot or It feels if you go and talk to them, I am sure, it will be sorted for you.
Do you keep your Reactions in check? :- With all glory, excitement and drama, Teenage is also an age of attention seeking. Something’s are done only for the shock value. They may show up with weird tattoos or purple hair or horrifying stories. Instead, respond in a calm manner. Showing shock and horror will only encourage your teen’s attention-seeking behaviour to continue.
Is the Problem solving done without making kids dependent? :- It’s difficult for Parents to see their children suffer. However, solving the teenager’s problem without them asking for your help, they won’t learn to solve their own problems. The best way is to let them share, express and vent their emotions. And if they still need your help, show them you are always there. It is advisable to work on problem solving as a team.
Do you play The Game of Blame? :- Pointing out the fault in the conversation will simply add fuel to the fire. Parents want their children to take the responsibility of their behaviour. However, if they will blame, then the conversation will be cut short and teens will never admit their faults. Avoid saying things like, “You are responsible for whatever happened” “That wouldn’t have happened if you were polite enough or sincere enough”
Instead, positive probing can be done to promote further discussion such as, “If you could get one more opportunity to do it over again, would you like doing it differently?” Your conversation should help them accept their responsibility.
Do you show Lack of support and faith in your teen’s big Ideas :- Teens tend to have certain ideas that will clash with reality. Avoiding to encourage your teens to live in the Fantasy world is must; and at the same time one should show support and appreciation for new ideas.
For example, if your child says, “I want to be a great movie star once I’m older,” don’t say, “You’d better be best at everything if you think you want to do that someday.” Instead, show curiosity and ask questions such as, “How do you think you will do that? Or show support by saying, “Wow that would be make you very famous one day” To promote positive conversation to continue, parents should react in supportive manner. Last three blogs I have been discussing the pitfalls in the communication with teenagers… If we take care of these points than it will be a very pleasurable journey with your teenager.